Hope for the “Type A”

I learned something new about myself today. I learned that I am a “Type A” personality. For those of you who know me, you probably wonder why I didn’t figure this out long ago. It’s simple, really. I didn’t know what “Type A Personality” meant. My doctor defined it for me today, and I immediately knew that it described me. Exactly.

Competitive. Working against the clock. Won’t leave a task unfinished. Stressed if I can’t finish something. Hates failure. Hard to stop working. Achievement oriented. That’s me.

My Edge coach from PI asked me if I’m the type of person who is always good at everything. Yeah, kinda. I’m a good student. I don’t like failure and so I work hard to avoid it. Usually I catch onto things pretty fast and do well at whatever I put my hands to.

My boyfriend observered the other day that I’m a devoted/dedicated person. I follow through with commitments. I see things through to the end. I’m devoted to whatever I say I will do.

This sounds like a bunch of good stuff. And some of it is! But there is an underlying threat amidst all the good here. Other “Type A” people probably can relate.

You get stressed out really easily. You start measuring success based on achievement, even in your spiritual life. I take it personally if I fail at something, viewing it as an affront to my character. I overcommit and burn out. I come really close to loosing my joy. I feel pressure all the time, but that pressure doesn’t come from others…it comes from me. From the expectations I have set for myself, the expectations I imagine others have set for me, and the expectation I have on myself to meet the (imagined and false) expectations that others have set up.

Herein lies the deepest struggle I have right now in my heart: fear of man. Because of those expectations I have convinced myself that others have for me, I’m living totally performance based right now. My professor will be upset if I turn in an assignment late, when I’ve been doing so good all semester. What if I flunk the test? That would be even worse! My parents will be disappointed if I can’t make it to dinner tonight, but my friends will be mad if I say I can’t go hang out with them. What if I’m too tired to go on a date this week? Surely my boyfriend will be hurt if I say I just can’t do it today! If I don’t get faster at my job, the people in leadership over me will be disappointed. If I don’t pray or read my bible, I’ll let my mentor down. If I don’t believe “x” about this theological thing, I’ll let my pastor down, or my friend, or my parents, or my professor…

Lies. All of it. Lies that I have allowed myself to believe for too long. It’s only been within the last two weeks that this has surfaced and come to the forefront as a major issue. I’m seeing how this fear of man, this achievement based mindset about life, is affecting everything. I have allowed the opinions of others to have such a high place of value and importance in my mind that all my decisions run through a grid of how this choice will or will not disappoint those who are dear to me. Then I’m paralyzed because choice A will please this person, while choice B will disappoint them but please a different person.

This is where I am so grateful for God’s grace. I am so grateful that the holy spirit brought this to my attention. I am so thankful that he has graciously allowed people to be in my life who will listen and pray and seek to help me overcome this fear. I am grateful that through Jesus and the grace he extends I don’t have to perform a certain way to be accepted by God. And I’m grateful for his grace that STILL reaches out to me though I forget this every day and run back to the trap of fearing man.

The gospel is the opposite of this performace based lifestyle. The gospel is all about grace: my position in Christ is not based on what I’ve done, but is based on God’s grace extended to me, Christ’s righteousness gifted to me. What a comforting truth that is for me right now. I don’t have to measure up because I can’t measure up. And while that could stress me out, the truth is, it brings peace. God, in his grace, loves and accepts me whether I get an “A” in class, spill something at work, or can’t get everything done on my to-do list. He still loves me.

Resting in his grace returns me to a place of full joy, peace, and comfort. I praise you, Lord, for your grace and goodness in my life.

The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trust in the LORD is safe. (Proverbs 29:25 ESV)