Loosening My Grip

As I prepare for another short term trip, its hard to not come to the table with some amount of hopes, dreams, and expectations. In fact, I believe it is almost impossible to go into this trip with zero expectations.

I don’t think expectations are a bad thing, but I when those expecations, hopes, dreams, and desires become what I cling to, that’s wrong. That’s when it becomes idolatry. Take a look at these words from New Morning Mercies by Paul Tripp from April 5:

“if you love the gifts and not the Giver, your heart will never be satisfied, but if you love the Giver, your heart will be content and you will be able to enjoy his gifts while keeping them in their proper place…You are always looking for something to which you can attach your identity, your hopes and dreams, and your inner peace. Whatever controls the worship of your heart controls your choices, words, emotions, and actions…The desire for even a good thing becomes a bad thng when that desire becomes a ruling thing.”

Wow. Let’s just say…that convicted me a TON.

I don’t have many expectations (yet) for what we will actually do on the trip. All I’ve been thinking of the past few weeks is the question of: will we be able to get to our country in the first place? But those questions are slowly getting answered, and I hope to soon have some idea of the work we will be doing this summer.

But that doesn’t mean I’m without hopes, dreams, and expectations going into this trip. I’ve been praying that God would give me clarity and a sense of direction for my future through this trip.

It was yesterday, while on the phone with my Edge Coach, that I realized I’m gripping those hopes and dreams too tightly. What if God doesn’t give me the answers I am looking for? Will I still love and follow him, even if he doesn’t take me exactly where I had hoped and thought he would?

When I write it out like that, I think, well duh, yes, of course I would still follow God. But…really?

What if he calls me to go to downtown LA instead of “the ends of the earth”? What if he calls me to minister for the kindgom here in America instead of the “harder, more sacrificing” thing of going to Asia? What if…

And I start to panic as I think about the potential that God could send me in a different direction than the one that I’ve built all my plans for the future around.

Don’t read this the wrong way: as of right now, I have no reason to think that God is significantly changing the direction of my life. I still firmly believe that overseas ministry is in my future.

BUT. I doesn’t do me any good to come before God with a list of my agendas and answers that I want, in my timing, and expect him to answer all my questions in the way that I want. I need to stop coming to God with my to-do list, my agenda for my life, and just ask for his stamp of approval on it. I need to come to him instead with an open and soft heart, ready to take his plans and agenda for my life and submit to it. That’s hard.

While on the phone with my Edge Coach, she asked me what I can do starting today to prepare myself to submit to God’s plans. And as it dawned on me that my grip is too tight on my own plans for my life, I realized I need to change the way I pray. Instead of praying: “God, please give me a big green check-mark for these things I want to do” (although I don’t say it in those words, of course, because I want to sound holy), I need to come to him and say: “God, please soften my heart and conform my mind to your will. Teach me exactly what you want to teach me and make me receptive to your plans for me.”

I need to loosen my grip on my plans and submit myself fully to His will.