You, Follow Me

I’m struggling a little bit right now with the fact that it doesn’t seem like God is writing my story the way I thought he would and the way I hoped he would. Frankly, and I know this sounds arrogant and blasphemous, I don’t think God is doing it right. 

Ever since I was young, I wanted to be a missionary. It’s what has shaped pretty much every decision up to this point – where to go to school, what degree to pursue, what to do with summer vacations, and so on. When I was entering college, I figured that by the time I graduated from college I’d know exactly what people group or country God was calling me to, I’d have an organization picked out, and I’d be on my way to fundraising and moving overseas. Oh, and maybe I’d be getting married, but that was almost an afterthought. My priority was getting out on the mission field as quickly as possible. 

Yet as I approach the end of my degree in May, it doesn’t look like life is going according to that plan. I don’t have a specific country or people group laid on my heart. I don’t even have an organization picked out that can help me choose a country or people group. 

People often ask me the inevitable question when they hear I’m close to graduating: what comes next? And I am sure that they mean well and are genuinely curious. They certainly don’t intend to stir up the stifling anxiety that rises when I hear that question. I’m terrified of “I don’t know” being the answer. That’s why I wanted to have this all planned out by my senior year of college. My freshman year vision for myself avoided this panic altogether. It was a great plan!

Part of the reason that panic sets in is that I am TERRIFIED of letting people down. I’ve written about it before – I live with a paralyzing fear of man that constantly taunts me. It goes something like this: “You’ve talked about missions for so long, its what everyone expects you to do. So if you don’t go into missions right away, you’ll let people down. What about those Sunday School teachers who poured into you? What about your role models? What about the organizations you’ve talked to? People will be disappointed if you don’t go overseas right after graduating.” Then the other side kicks in: “If you leave your job, you’ll let people down. If you quit teaching Sunday School to go overseas, you’ll let people down.” And so on and so on. 

And then the rational part of my brain kicks in and says, “98% of the people around you are too busy with their own lives to remember that you’ve been all about missions for so long, and so they wouldn’t be let down if you went a different path. And those who care most deeply about you just want to see you be obedient to Christ…whatever that looks like.” Someone please preach these two sentences to me over and over again, cause it’s what I know I need to hear.

For context, the other options (besides full-time overseas missions) that have presented themselves to me in the last few months are wonderful options. But that’s the problem – I have too many options in front of me, and I don’t know which one God is asking me to get excited about and pursue. I thought that by now I’d know exactly what I want to do with my life…but I don’t. And each option represents people who will be excited if I choose that option and others who will be disappointed (or at least I perceive that they will be disappointed). So not only do I not know what I want to do with my life, I feel like the people around me have competing visions for my life and I don’t know who to listen to.

I’m going to confess another dark corner of my sinful heart: jealousy. I see friends who look like they have their lives figured out and are doing or are on the edge of doing exactly what God has called them to do, and I get jealous. God, why can’t my life look like that? 

In light of all of this, a gentle reminder came to me from John chapter 21 a couple of weeks ago. The risen Jesus has just finished asking Peter three times if he loves him, to which Peter responds in the affirmative. Jesus tells him three times to feed/tend his sheep/lambs. Then Jesus tells Peter something about the way he would die. He gives Peter a glimpse into the rest of his life’s story. Peter turns and sees the apostle John walking behind them and he asks Jesus about John. Jesus tells him that it shouldn’t matter to Peter. Peter’s task is to follow Jesus, not worry about the story of John. 

God is writing a unique story for me that will not look the same as the stories he is writing for my friends. He has perfectly chosen which pieces to weave together into a story that will bring him the most glory. Instead of panic, anxiety, and jealousy that my story doesn’t look like I expect, want, or see in others, I need to be faithful to the task in front of me: to follow Jesus into the next step. 

But you, follow me.